GG IRKALLA
!!!TSPX!!!
Sybil Lamb, GG Irkalla, R Barbie Christine D
Ive been fucking around for too long, wandering through scattered scraps of whatever the fuck it is ive been trying to say. Diaries are stupid, facebook is stupider. I like the idea of a website because its not private but its also not public cause someone might see it but most people wont and i dont really care anyway, im just tired of being quiet.
This rant isnt really about one thing, its more about multiple things. For months ive struggled with how to express this crazy insane shit inside of me and now im just not going to worry about it at all and just start talking.
It was about 5 months ago that I was sitting on a curb at midnight with my friend Andii bikes... I was really drunk and trying to eat some wierd jamaican food and ranting about something that i had to get off my chest to someone who wanted to listen. We were hanging out on church street in toronto in the middle of 2012 toronto Pride. I had met sybil lamb for the first time and had been staying in her loft attempting to become an escort only to realize i hated it. then i ranted about how 6 years ago I was shamanically dismembered and had most of my soul extracted by demons and then after 2 months of hitchiking in a sports bra and cutoff jeans i was forced into a mental hospital and they figured out i was schitzophrenic. then i talked about how some bitch named Dee had transmitted magusitis to me through some fucked up tantric ritual and i cant talk to anyone about it, not even punks cause for all their counterculturalness they dont believe in magick, at least not the kind of magick ive seen. a lot of people might think that im not actually talking about real magick, that im just crazy. Well heres how i explain it...just because something is not scientifically provable doesnt mean it never happened. My friend dylan still remembers the fucked up house i lived in ...and how once he got groceries and put them in my fridge and 5 minutes later looked in the fridge and the food was all gone. By the time I finally gave up and left, even the most athiestic homebums wouldnt set a single foot in that place, the consensus in that entire community was that the place was fucking evil.
This rant isnt really about one thing, its more about multiple things. For months ive struggled with how to express this crazy insane shit inside of me and now im just not going to worry about it at all and just start talking.
It was about 5 months ago that I was sitting on a curb at midnight with my friend Andii bikes... I was really drunk and trying to eat some wierd jamaican food and ranting about something that i had to get off my chest to someone who wanted to listen. We were hanging out on church street in toronto in the middle of 2012 toronto Pride. I had met sybil lamb for the first time and had been staying in her loft attempting to become an escort only to realize i hated it. then i ranted about how 6 years ago I was shamanically dismembered and had most of my soul extracted by demons and then after 2 months of hitchiking in a sports bra and cutoff jeans i was forced into a mental hospital and they figured out i was schitzophrenic. then i talked about how some bitch named Dee had transmitted magusitis to me through some fucked up tantric ritual and i cant talk to anyone about it, not even punks cause for all their counterculturalness they dont believe in magick, at least not the kind of magick ive seen. a lot of people might think that im not actually talking about real magick, that im just crazy. Well heres how i explain it...just because something is not scientifically provable doesnt mean it never happened. My friend dylan still remembers the fucked up house i lived in ...and how once he got groceries and put them in my fridge and 5 minutes later looked in the fridge and the food was all gone. By the time I finally gave up and left, even the most athiestic homebums wouldnt set a single foot in that place, the consensus in that entire community was that the place was fucking evil.
The reason it was evil was because I was fighting
a battle with something within me before I was ready,
without any of the proper tools, (like a banishing ritual would have been nice) with my mind stuck on fastforward, getting no sleep. Magusitis+latent childhoodissues + fucked up hormones + my fathers curse (ill explain later) all combined into what my first mentor called "black chaos" just before she disappeared from my life for years. I later found out that she had disappeared because her shaman-king, who was an avatar of Loki (she was an avatar of Angrboda, Lokis first wife) directly forbade her from speaking to me or being near me ever again. He said that my curse had transferred to her and thus had almost torn her soul apart.
a battle with something within me before I was ready,
without any of the proper tools, (like a banishing ritual would have been nice) with my mind stuck on fastforward, getting no sleep. Magusitis+latent childhoodissues + fucked up hormones + my fathers curse (ill explain later) all combined into what my first mentor called "black chaos" just before she disappeared from my life for years. I later found out that she had disappeared because her shaman-king, who was an avatar of Loki (she was an avatar of Angrboda, Lokis first wife) directly forbade her from speaking to me or being near me ever again. He said that my curse had transferred to her and thus had almost torn her soul apart.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>TRANNPUNK + WITCHPUNK = WHAT THE FUCK?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The intersection of transsexuality and punk (trannypunk) is a hard burden to carry, but for some reason my life has lately been about bringing a third thing into the mix: witchcraft. For some people who are part of oppressed groups, theres an attempt to maintain some sort of conservativeness and minimize the sometimes freakish nature of the human spirit in pursuit of some sort of tolerable life...but once you go far enough down the roads paved by pain in the underground of filth, theres no going back so you might as well go even farther. So I have to be what I am. I have to be what I am in the fullness of it because the spirit of my story demands that of me, to live, to discover who i am and be who i am. In this sense, subcultures serve the purpose of being containers for energies that are rejected everywhere else: in other words, subcultures are meant to be safe spaces where outlawed spiritual energies can manifest and be physically and artistically expressed. My soul is made of these outlaw energies, and its so painful to even exist in normal society that Im always trying to fend off the urge to somehow seek acceptance from anyone other then people as fucked up as me. This is a really annoying part of my personality thats leftover from conservative indoctrination and duality programming.
The intersection of transsexuality and punk (trannypunk) is a hard burden to carry, but for some reason my life has lately been about bringing a third thing into the mix: witchcraft. For some people who are part of oppressed groups, theres an attempt to maintain some sort of conservativeness and minimize the sometimes freakish nature of the human spirit in pursuit of some sort of tolerable life...but once you go far enough down the roads paved by pain in the underground of filth, theres no going back so you might as well go even farther. So I have to be what I am. I have to be what I am in the fullness of it because the spirit of my story demands that of me, to live, to discover who i am and be who i am. In this sense, subcultures serve the purpose of being containers for energies that are rejected everywhere else: in other words, subcultures are meant to be safe spaces where outlawed spiritual energies can manifest and be physically and artistically expressed. My soul is made of these outlaw energies, and its so painful to even exist in normal society that Im always trying to fend off the urge to somehow seek acceptance from anyone other then people as fucked up as me. This is a really annoying part of my personality thats leftover from conservative indoctrination and duality programming.
I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. Ive been told many times that my life story sounds like a fucked up fairy tale...and actually i dont really care if tons of people think its made up as long as some people in the same struggle read it and know they arent alone. sometimes I dont care about those people and only care about making the pain more manageable, and sometimes I wish I could destroy the entire world and not have to depend on these stupid little symbols to gradually feel better. whatever.
...I was sitting on a small hill by a river somewhere between cambridge and boston at dusk. My brother was sitting next to me trying to console me as I rambled hopelessly about the merciless force that was tearing me apart. I had scribbled a few desperate words and symbols that amounted to a pathetic plan of escape. I didnt even know what I was escaping.
I had the same feeling in the graveyard where my brother took me, in his kindness thinking that a somber place would help me feel less alienated. I was aware of his consideration, but the gnawing, corrupting darkness wouldnt go away. It kept nagging, biting, crawling, growing, like a cancer in my mind or a psychic tumor, and yet I would never have the relief of physical death, doomed to live in misery on psych meds for the rest of my life.
And here I am on the other side, 26 years old, a grown woman, victorious and damaged, trying to figure out my next steps. Im being forced to be patient in many ways. Its as if I have this idea that everything is on some sort of limited timeline, that I can force things to happen faster, that I have to figure it all out all at once, which is my ego talking.
Tonight I spoke to the spirit of Feoh, through 15 minutes of listening to runic chants on youtube. I was told that the energy of my haminja was complex and "tangled" to some degree. Over time it has been gradually working out the tangles and forming something more coherent and whole. Part of continuing this process is finding something to do with my life, time and energy, some sort of career perhaps.
I realized then that working for Bree on the Atlantean chronicles series is exactly what I need to be doing at this point in my life, because its low-pressure, creative, fun, and appropriate to my needs as far as what I need to be doing in my life right now. I saw that most other jobs or career paths would have the effect of frustrating me because my hamingja would be strained by my inability to balance my personal issues with the demands of the work.
Tonight I spoke to the spirit of Feoh, through 15 minutes of listening to runic chants on youtube. I was told that the energy of my haminja was complex and "tangled" to some degree. Over time it has been gradually working out the tangles and forming something more coherent and whole. Part of continuing this process is finding something to do with my life, time and energy, some sort of career perhaps.
I realized then that working for Bree on the Atlantean chronicles series is exactly what I need to be doing at this point in my life, because its low-pressure, creative, fun, and appropriate to my needs as far as what I need to be doing in my life right now. I saw that most other jobs or career paths would have the effect of frustrating me because my hamingja would be strained by my inability to balance my personal issues with the demands of the work.